The few of you who actually know me, may know that I’ve been exploring a dark part of myself for a while.  It has been difficult to persevere with starting a company during this time, but I think I have managed it.  I’ve been learning new skills by the dozen, but not mastering any of them.  I’ve also been reaching out and increasing my network.  It has been rewarding, but has taken way longer than I thought it would.  I have less than zero money and personally owe quite a bit from my past (credit, student loans, and personal debt with my ex).  I intend to pay back my debts, as I always have.  I have been living on next to nothing at a relative’s house, while making payments to my creditors.  My office is my bedroom and I’m getting tired of living so small.  I’m sure things could be much worse and I am grateful for everything I have, but it’s time to make some strides.

Over the weekend I did some volunteer work with a group of 15-20 year-olds.  My sister is the head of a company that delivers personal growth programs, which I highly recommend to anyone who wants to learn more about themselves.  The best thing besides helping others grow is the refresher I got out of it.  I got to see how I was being ineffective and the story I was telling myself to keep those habits around.  This might not mean much to some, but my driving needs are:

• Intensity
• Independence
• Intimacy
• Power

If you’ve communicated with me or read my poetry you might understand how this is true for me.  I love ridiculously.  I commit without hesitation.  I suck at small talk and try to find the root of things.  I am open, but very sure of myself (ie a little stubborn). I am bluntly honest and I enjoy working with small teams and tend to disappear in crowds.  I also tend to jump into my imagination to explore the future more than actually creating it.  My dreaming has incredible value to me, but needs to be harnessed, so that we can do more of the productive work.  I have found my purpose, but I am scared.  I’m scared of succeeding, of becoming “famous”, and living an “exposed” life.  However, I am increasingly tired of failing to produce and I know what I need to overcome this.  I need partners.

I need life partners who will support me and share a vision of peace.  I need business partners who have the networks I lack to finance and lead the project.  I need technical partners to help me stay focused and busy with the details of creating the user experience I know we can deliver.  I need artistic partners to make it look and feel amazing, so that it sells like wildfire.  I need help.  I need a great deal of help.  I am asking you for it.  If you can see a place in this story that excites you, I want to hear from you.  If you dig my companies core values: Peace, Freedom, and Fun, I want to hear from you.  If you think I’m crazy, delusional, or a tyrannical maniac, I want to hear from you.  If you have a friend who works the web in any manner who wants to change the world in a big way, I want you to share my website with them.  I know how to listen very well.  I may not always know what to do with what you tell me, but I want to hear you.

The one thing I hear loud and clear is that humanities greatest values are not on top. There is a group of us that have selective hearing and are in denial about the source and solution to our collective problems and somehow they seem to be in charge.  This is changing, especially as our voices combine to expose their denials!  I hope to facilitate this change and birth a new golden age for all life on this planet.  Then we can engage and participate in a civilization that puts it’s best and brightest values at the forefront.  One where we can dance with the shadows, rather than denying them.

Thanks for reading!

personal growth by jazzmann91; Encouraging you to Question Everything.

I want to quote Deepak Chopra from his book (The Return of Merlin) but don’t have it nearby.  I’ll paraphrase the important line.  A wizard walks backwards through time, seeing all that has come before and knowing that it will all come again.  If this sounds confusing, don’t worry, I don’t think it can be figured out, but it has a deep meaning to me about how I understand the world.

In November 2008 my love led me to lead.  I threw a two day event: a silent art auction and dance party to raise money for Amnesty International and raise awareness of Human Trafficking. I half-assededly tried to involve my partner in the event, because we always had a perception of us not “working” together that I wanted to overcome.  It didn’t work and I ended up doing it all my way.  She tried to help throughout the process, but she couldn’t stop me from stubbornly failing.  Thanks for supporting me, even though it was stressful and embarrassing.

I had never run anything before, and it was a huge learning experience for me.  It was a marketing and financial failure, but it was also an inspirational success.  That day my best friend Aaron had his first live art show with his newest tools and now his career is taking off.  His contribution was huge and I thank him and am glad to have showcased his work.  I showed the works of local artists and their contributions were amazing too.  My friends Nikki and Kate sold their first paintings, and my friends Tim and Sheldon spun great sets to a mostly empty dance floor.  By the time my headliner, DJ Nima Saeedi from Vancouver, arrived to play his first out-of-town set, there were at most 12 people in the 300 capacity bar and I was on the street embarrassed beyond belief that I had not produced the one most important thing an event needs.  A crowd.

I’ll never forget his words to me after the evening was over.  He told me to have courage and never give up and that he had had a great time.  My friend Tim, who hadn’t spun in a while, was reinspired to dive into his music and is now on the verge of producing some wicked tracks.  It also led Tim and Sheldon to collaborate on their passion, which has helped them both progress.  So I lost some money, and threw a flop.  It was the best dang flop I could have done to have brought so much inspiration to a few close friends.

This is what a wizard does, he loves without thought of himself and inspires the people around him to reach for more even when he falls on his face.

Now I’ve done it again.  I’ve failed the love of my life and we have reverted to friendship, because I continued to embrace my failures, rather than see and face the fears that caused them.   I didn’t know how to reach out into the world and ask for the help I need and I still don’t.  I’m afraid to be loved and this fear, along with my fear of success, has been revealed to me in all its gory detail.  I am embracing it now and love is remaking me.  I hope when it is finished I’ll finally be more than just good at failing and that my next chance to inspire people will be a huge success for everyone, including me.

Thanks for reading!

DJ Emit

DJ Nima Saeedi making us move!

my failures are inspirational by jazzmann91; Encouraging you to Question Everything.

This is in response to the dancing guy commentary posted by @sivers.  Thanks Derek! It is very encouraging, to a nut like me, that this information be provided to potential followers.

I am a nut.  There is no doubt about it, just ask my ex-girlfriend.  I’m more than willing to embarrass myself to make my dream come true, of that there is little doubt.  See my last post, for an example.  I have yet to lead a movement, or a crowd, as dancing guy did, but the time is coming.  Who knows maybe you’ll be my “first” follower?

I highly relate to dancing guy as a leader, because I also enjoy dancing.  I found it very helpful to get advice on how the nut has to keep it simple enough, so a “first follower” has a chance.  If a nut goes for broke, with all the skill he has, they end up a lone freak.  No one can keep up, let alone join in.  This is how I like to dance in nightclubs or on tree stumps in fractal forest.

I’ve been lucky or persistent enough(I can’t tell which) to find my passion and a path has sprung up in front of me.  I’ve been dancing along it, with more and more awareness, for the past 5-6 years, training myself in the way of the nut.  A vision of peace has settled around me that is so moving, I can no longer deny I am on this path and I need others to join me, or I risk becoming a lone freak.

My dance, both at the club and in life, has been largely unfollowable, until recently.  I am working on making it simple enough that others feel comfortable joining in, but it requires a mastery and ease that I am still developing.  I really need to start making videos.  I hope to have a first experiment done in the next month.

Are you a nut, first follower, momentum builder, crowd member, or fence sitter?

Thanks for reading!

I’m a nut by jazzmann91; Encouraging you to Question Everything.

As the room slowly filled from back to front, two guys joined me: Derrick V and a globe-trotting aerospace engineer were both checking out the conference.   We chatted a little.

While we talked, I watched the suits file in, loaded with their croissants and caffeine injections.  I was the only one there wearing jeans, while sporting spiky hair.  I didn’t fit the corporate profile, which I enjoyed.  Sometimes sticking out in a crowd is such an empowering feeling.  Just before the host got introductions started, two women from Industry Canada(IC) joined our table.  We had time for introductions then things got going.

After Will finished speaking about the massive expansion of the virtual goods market, I had a short conversation about my reason for being there with one of the IC reps named Rose.  I started off by telling her I was starting a new venture and that “I’m a peacemaker”.  We talked a little bit about what it would be and her response was very enthusiastic.  She even said the world needs more people like me.  We parted quickly, as I wanted to catch Will’s attention and get his card before he flew away, but that short moment and her beaming encouragement meant a lot to me.

It really revs me up when people get excited about my ideas.

Rose, you have my gratitude for sharing your enthusiasm with me.

Thanks for reading!

Thanks Rose! by jazzmann91; Encouraging you to Question Everything.